January 22, 2020

Goodbye Papa

When my sister messaged me that my father passed away, I was shocked. In a span of 11 months, I lost my grandmother, my sister-in-law, and just last week, I lost my father. Slowly, we’re losing someone we love and my heart is crying “Lord, I can’t take this anymore, this is too much”. I don’t know how much my heart can take because the pain of losing someone is not easy to bear.

I wish I was just dreaming but I know that I have to accept the fact that my father is gone. It happened so fast and I have no idea that our last visit would be the last time. Yes, my father died a week after we visited him.

Excerpt from Missing You Always Poem
My father has COPD or Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, it is a chronic progressive lung disease that is not curable but can be treated to slow down the progression of the illness. It has a life expectancy of 5 years and for severe COPD, the survival rate is 2 years.

It was only September when we found out that he has COPD, he was confined in the Philippine Lung Center for more than a week. Ito yung time na nag-overnight ako sa Emergency Room para makapahinga sister ko sa pagbabantay. When he was discharged, we hired someone to be with him because we know na hindi na niya magagawa yung mga dati niya nagagawa at hihingalin lang siya.

Who would ever think that after four months, mawawala na siya. When we visited him, a week before he died, hindi ko alam na yun na pala yung last. Wala man lang farewell words. Our last goodbye is a reminder of the words unsaid. So many words to say but I lost my chance.

A part of us is wishing if he can come back even for just a few minutes. So we would have time to tell him, the things that we needed to say. But we don’t want him to suffer again because we know how much he suffered. God also knew that he was struggling and he would never get well on earth so He called him home. Lord, is our papa beside you? Will you tell him that we’re sorry. Will you tell him that he is forgiven. Will you tell him that we care. Will you tell him that we love him too.

If you’ve been a regular reader of this blog, you knew that I did not grow up with my father. I was raised by my grandmother since I was 10 years old. I’m used to living my life without a father beside me and I have never looked for a father figure.

So I thought I have prepared myself for this situation because I know that his illness has no cure and we are not close. But when I lost him I was affected, hindi pala madali and masakit mawalan ng tatay. Sanay naman ako na hindi siya kasama pero yung thought na hindi na kami talaga magkikita, iba ang feeling. No more birthday greetings and text during special occasion like Mother's day, Christmas and New Year.

I have learned to let go of the past and I have learned to forgive my father even I did not hear any sorry. I knew that I also have my own shortcomings as his daughter and I wish naparamdam ko ang pagiging anak during his last days. Goodbye Papa. I know you are in a better place now.

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